133: She Wanted $50K to Have His Baby. Was She Wrong?

The Wild Question Up Front

Jessica 0:00

In today's episode, we are talking about being compensated in a relationship for carrying and having a baby. Now, I know this sounds wild, but we're gonna get into this really juicy Reddit thread that I found, and I had to bring it to Brandon to get his perspective. So we're gonna go deep into this rabbit hole of being compensated by your partner for carrying and having the family baby. Stay tuned, it's gonna be juicy.

SPEAKER_01 0:32

Sugar Daddy Podcast, yo. Learn how to make the pockets grow. Financial freedoms where we go. Smart investments, money flow.

Jessica 0:42

Welcome everybody to the Sugar Daddy Podcast. Thank you for being with us every Wednesday. If you are new here, welcome. We're so glad to have you and we'll hope you'll stick around. And if you're an OG, welcome back. We are excited to see you again. This is the podcast that helps you build a financial plan so you can finally feel confident and in control of your money. And we are so glad you're here listening today. We've got something juicy that I came across on a Reddit thread because if you don't know, I love Reddit. I love going down a Reddit thread. Ooh, they are so good. It's like my reality TV. Okay. And I found this one and I could not pass it up. And Brandon read through it and he's got a lot to say, y'all. So we're gonna get right into it. Hey, babe. We're gonna get right into it. And I'm gonna read you this thread. Now it is a little bit lengthy, but it's got a bunch of details, and I want you to just process them all because ooh, there's a lot. Okay, let's just get into it. I'm excited.

The Reddit Story And The Binder

Brandon 1:43

Yes, let's go ahead.

Jessica 1:44

All right, so the subject line is I am male 34, and my wife is female 29. She has asked me to pay her almost$50,000 to have our child, and I'm not quite sure what to do. All right, let's get into it. I have known, have been dating my wife for six years, and we have been spiritually married, make a little asterisk there, for two years. We are not legally married, although at this point we are essentially common law. People love to throw that around.

Brandon 2:15

I know.

Legal Marriage Changes Everything

Jessica 2:16

We are both high earners, both earning uh over$175,000 a year after tax. We purchased our home together and have agreed to split the finances 50-50. We paid for our wedding, honeymoon, everything 50-50, although I did pay for the cost of our rings and her engagement ring. Our mortgage payments were 50-50 and we comfortably own our home now. So much of our income goes to savings, investments, home improvements, and discretionary spending. Because of our incomes, we felt it would be best to keep our finances separate. We're both highly independent people and both very career-driven. It's part of the reason I'm so attracted to her. She's amazing at what she does, and I'm so proud to be able to introduce her as my wife and explain what she does. Unfortunately, our first two years of marriage were hampered by COVID and lockdowns. We would have loved to have traveled and saved up quite a bit in order to do this. A couple of months ago, we had talked and decided it might be good, a good time to have kids instead of continuously waiting for better and safer travel conditions. Without too serious discussion, we decided to stop using birth control and let things happen as they will. Yesterday I came home and my wife was on the phone. She seemed like she was in a hurry to end her conversation and tried to evade my question when I asked who she was talking to. It was her sister. They don't talk a lot, so that was a bit weird. She still works from home, so she continued to do some work, and then we had dinner and watched some news. Regular, pleasant evening. Then she said she wants to have a serious talk and asked me to make us some tea and meet us up meet me upstairs at her work desk. I make the tea, bring it up, and she starts talking financials. Her workplace allows for maternity leave for up to a year, but only provides 50% of her salary for up to six months. The remaining six months is unpaid. She was very direct and said that while her insurance would cover the vast majority of hospital-related costs during pregnancy and childbirth, taking a six-month break from work would cost her almost$50,000 since her pay would be cut in half. She's asking me to compensate her for that$50,000, in addition to agreeing to split any related but unexpected costs to pregnancy and childbirth. Her stance is that she is doing something for us to start a family, but it is not true, a true 50-50 split if she is expected to take a financial hit for it, and I am not, given that our finances are separate. She had a printed list of expectations in terms of what she expected financially, listed some things that her insurance may or may not cover. I see the logic in that, but I am really turned off by this because she is essentially asking me to pay her to have our child or children. She saw my hesitation and just doubled down. While her ideal is to return to work after six months, she says it's a real possibility that she may require more time off and decide, as things happen, to take up to a year off. So she had another plan drafted for that. For the first six months, her work will give her 50% off her salary and I would compensate her for the rest. But for the next six months, since her work would not compensate her, and because this loss is something she is doing for the family, she is comfortable splitting the loss of her income and only asking me for 50% of her salary instead of 100% for the second six months. And she will take the loss of the 50% of her salary. The idea, I guess, is that both of us, quote unquote, suffer half the loss of income for the second six-month period. However, if she takes seven to eleven months off, any months after the sixth can be prorated. She went deep. I'm talking, she's talking proration. Okay. She expressed that she anticipates and hopes to return to work in six months, but that she wants a contingency plan in the event that she requires a year off. She said that taking more than a year off is something she is very unlikely to do as it would put her job at risk, but that she's open to exploring a third plan with me if that's necessary. There are also detailed notes about how she wants to keep housework split, the plans to start saving for both children, and additional housekeeper expenses for at least the first four years. I kid you not, it's a 16-page ring binder that she handed me with detailed notes, some explanations, and a list of expenses. But the immediate and essential element here is that she wants me to pay her$50,000 to$100,000 to compensate for the loss of her salary for six to 12 months as a result of having our child. Whew, okay, I know that was a lot, y'all, but this woman had a binder. She was ready. She came, she probably had a pivot table or two. Like, I feel like I want to meet her because I love it. I love it.

Brandon 7:17

So, like, my first initial feeling was based off of the title.

Jessica 7:23

Marriage.

Brandon 7:24

Yes, marriage. He said in the title, he refers to her as his wife. Yes. Which the initial thing from reading the title gave me kind of an ick. But then upon reading it and finding out, hey, she's not his wife.

Jessica 7:35

Yeah, they had the engagement ring, they had the wedding, they had the things, but they are only spiritually married. That's not a thing, y'all. Like it can be, like, you can make your own rules as a grown adult, but it is not a legally binding contract. You guys are roommates.

Brandon 7:49

Which marriage permitted roommate. Marriage, I'm only going to speak to the United States. Marriage in the United States is a is a legal contract. Um, so once I found out that it wasn't actually his wife legally, then I my my stance completely changed.

Jessica 8:02

Okay, so let's it's good that you brought that up. So talk about why you got the ick when you thought that they were legally married.

Brandon 8:11

So first and foremost, I think I one thing like if I'm like reading a little bit more, was like, why did they decide if they have a similar income, why do they decide to keep their finances separate? I want to know that.

Jessica 8:23

Okay. Well well, he says because they're both highly independent.

Brandon 8:27

You could be independent.

Jessica 8:29

I'm highly independent.

Brandon 8:30

Exactly. I think I would say that we are both very independent people, but we still have some aspects of our finances together. So for me, it's kind of like I understand, you know, keeping certain aspects of your finances, you know, to yourself. For example, like we have a joint bank account, but then we also still have our individual. That's perfectly fine. But it's very interesting to me that you intertwined every other aspect of your life except for your money.

Jessica 8:51

Well, they it sounds like they're doing everything 50-50 because their salary is.

Brandon 8:56

But their life is intertwined in the sense of they live spiritually. They have a mortgage together. They live in the same house.

Jessica 9:01

And apparently a paid-off house now.

Brandon 9:03

They wanna they wanna they want to have kids. You know, you're intertwining your life.

Jessica 9:07

Yeah, I wonder why not just actually make it legal.

Brandon 9:10

But I also I'm not even worried about the legal part. It's more or less how you're thinking about your finances. Because even if you're splitting everything 50-50, you are a couple, you are together, you are moving forward as a couple together. Why not use some aspects, why not view your money as together?

Jessica 9:26

As a team.

Brandon 9:27

As a team. Because one, if you were viewing each other's money, if you were viewing from the get-go our money as a team, some aspects of this, if they had been married, wouldn't even need to be done.

Jessica 9:36

Right.

Brandon 9:37

Yeah, it's like for example, like you and I, we view our money as together. So if one of us stopped working for a period of time, whatever it may be, stay at home pay or whatever, then we would so understand that the other person compensates. The money is ours.

Jessica 9:52

Yes.

Brandon 9:52

Where like that's so that's a weird thing, that's a thing that I would want to find out more about as far as like why they view it that way.

Jessica 9:59

I wonder if I can find the Reddit thread and reach out and be like, Can you come on our podcast?

Brandon 10:05

So that's first and foremost. But then, like, just uh, you know, like I said, the part where I changed my mind once I found out it wasn't his wife, I was like, honestly, this makes sense.

Separate Finances Versus Team Money

Jessica 10:13

And it's kind of genius.

Brandon 10:14

It honestly makes a lot of sense because we sacrifice so much. So if they're not legally married, some of the things that she could be entitled to um if they were to separate, she's not entitled to. So for example, like, you know, whether, you know, whatever.

Jessica 10:28

She has no protection. Yeah.

Brandon 10:29

If you have a prenup written or you have the prenup of your state, more than likely, some aspects, you have some protection there. So, you know, she'd be um, you know, maybe entitled to some alimony, whatever may be vassal support, yeah, stuff of that nature. Whereas right now, she is taking a risk in the sense of exiting the workforce for a certain period of time, you know, with some compensation for the six months, but then after that, you know, not the same compensation that she would have before, but then also the possibility of, you know, the security of her job not being there. Now, also, even two, let's just say she does take the one year off. That's also one year of you not being actively in the workforce and actively being able to move upward. So you're already, you know, delaying some of the potential growth you could have down the line if you do go back to work.

Jessica 11:10

Yeah. And the motherhood tax is already real. So she, I mean, yeah, she came with her 16-page binder and all the things, which sounds crazy. And some people might be like, oh, that's cringe. To me, it sounds very prepared and actually very thoughtful. She sounds like she looked through her full benefits package. She knows exactly what's going to be covered and what's not going to be covered. And the reality is, is you don't know what's going to happen during your pregnancy.

SPEAKER_02 11:34

Yeah.

Jessica 11:35

Right. Like there are so many having a healthy child and good delivery is the rarity.

SPEAKER_02 11:42

Yes.

Jessica 11:43

So you are, as a woman, putting yourself into an immense amount of risk and damage and all emotional mayhem in all the things, right? And that's just the nine months of being pregnant. That's not whatever your delivery is. Do you have to have an emergency C-section? I mean, I have friends that have almost bled out, bled to death, had to have multiple blood transfusions during their deliveries. I mean, like, it gets crazy. It gets wild out there. So she is not wrong for wanting some sort of protection in place because guess what? While he's thriving at work for the nine months that she's pregnant, she's gonna be miserable, she's gonna be sleep deprived, she's gonna have a heartburn out, the wazoo, whatever, right? Like I'm kind of naming all the terrible things that happened to us. But then on top of that, you will have a recovery period, even if your delivery goes amazing. And then I'm glad that she put that in there. You really don't know how you're gonna feel after you have your child. And even for myself, as a career-driven woman, I was like, Well, I don't know. Maybe I'm not gonna want to go back to work. And like, what does that look like? And how long can we afford that? And to then your point, then you have a gap on your resume. So there is a lot of unknown and there's a lot of risk. They're not legally married, she doesn't have legal protections because the reality is, is you can call it common law and spiritual and whatever. Boo-boo, you guys are roommates. Like, that's what you are. You are in a partnership, you are in a loving, committed partnership, but you are roommates.

Brandon 13:16

Also, the thing is, too, is that they currently have all their finances separate. So you're splitting everything 50-50. So if she's not bringing in the same income, why would she be splitting everything? She couldn't do the 50-50 anymore. Right. So, like I said, like it's the you know, higher level conversation of why are our finances completely separate. That's you know, interesting.

Jessica 13:37

Well, they probably think that there's a protection around that. I mean, there's because they're not legally married. Yeah, it sounds like they bought their house and then paid it off. So I wonder what kind of paperwork is there, is the mortgage split. I mean, obviously, we would need to do a little bit more investigating into these things, but it sounds, you know, I mean, we were even under the impression for a long time if we have separate bank accounts, like everything's separate. But that's just not the case. Once you're legally married, yes.

Brandon 14:04

Well, like I said, the thing is here is that I I do like certain aspects of this because now she's obviously she's a planner. Clearly. Oh, she is type A. Yeah. Now they're actually having a wonder what she does for work. Honestly, no, but now they're having a conversation that needs to be had. Yeah. Whether or not how they got to it, you know, you know, you might like it, you might not like it, but they're actually having the conversation that majority of people should have. Hey, if we're two two working um spouses or two partners, whatever it may be, and we're gonna have a baby and one of them I'm gonna be out of the workforce for a certain period of time, how are we gonna cover bills and everything like that?

Jessica 14:40

Yeah, I mean, that's the conversation.

Brandon 14:42

That's the conversation, really, what it is.

Jessica 14:43

And here's what's gonna happen to my career.

Brandon 14:45

Yeah. So it's a conversation, like, oh, and what if I decide I don't want to go back in six months or at a year, I want to have a little bit more time. They're really having the conversation that majority of people should have. And in all honesty, she is doing what a lot of women out there should be doing if you're not married and having a child with somebody.

Jessica 15:01

Which is planning for the what-ifs and the unknowns.

Brandon 15:04

Yeah, because the thing is is that regardless of like, you know, going into marriage, and you know, people have this idea of like, oh, you know, marriage is all about this loving thing and everything like that. Yes, it's part of it. But then also It's contractual. Yes, it is contractual. I am married to you, contingent upon you doing the things that you know you should be doing in this marriage. And we already know that, you know, roughly around 50% of marriages end in divorce. So if you don't have protections in place, it is shown that women are on the short end of the stick when that happens often. Absolutely. So you can have this idealist, you know, idea of what your marriage is going to be, whatever. But the reality is that you also should potentially, not potentially, you really should plan for what if something bad happens. And this is what she's doing.

Jessica 15:51

Well, and I also think, you know, just and I'm this is not in the Reddit thread. This is just me kind of taking it a step further. They're both high earners, um, which I wouldn't say is uncommon, but I I mean, for both of them to be making almost$200,000 a year after tax, like that is a very large income. They probably, again, I'm assuming here, they probably have stocks, equity, high 401k matches, right? All of those things.

Brandon 16:18

All of those benefits.

Career Risk And The Motherhood Tax

Jessica 16:19

Yes. And a lot of times when you go out on maternity leave, you those are gonna stop, right? You're technically on FMLA so that your job is protected, but you can't contribute to your 401k anymore. So she might be missing out on those benefits. Taking it even a step further, again, you're both higher earners, you're both in corporate. Who's gonna be with the baby when the baby gets sick? Who's gonna not be at work? Who's gonna get get, you know, be called out to completely abandon their full day of work and then have to work through the night to make up for, you know, the lost work, etc. Those are things that very uh naturally occurred in our relationship because you work for yourself, whereas I'm in meetings all day. So yeah, you're gonna have to be the one that changes your, you know, maybe one or two meetings versus me changing 10, right? But like that's another step because if he's assuming, oh, well, she's not willing to make the sacrifice for our family, and this is ridiculous that she's asking me to pay her. What else is gonna be ridiculous? Is it gonna be ridiculous for her to ask him to take the baby to the doctor when it inevitably gets sick? They're both working. Let's assume that the baby's gonna have to go to daycare. Like, I mean, there's so many things, and to your point, these are really the conversations that people should be having prior to having children, whether you're married or not. But honestly, she sounds like she came correct and she came prepared. Maybe the way she approached the conversation wasn't as I mean, she's probably I mean, she sounds like type A, which you know let's just yeah, rip the band-aid off and get to it. And here's my 16, you know.

Brandon 17:57

But she's obviously thought through this.

Jessica 17:59

Yeah.

Brandon 18:00

She she's been thinking, you know, so like I said, I think it is a great I think it's a great way to I think it's a great idea and also a great conversation starter to have all those deep conversations that majority of people don't have. And like I said, like I mean, I I can only imagine, I didn't read the Reddit, you know, comments under that. I can imagine you have a bunch of, you know, you know bros. Yeah, like probably voted for Trump and listened to like, you know, uh Dave Ramsey. Not even no, I wasn't going to say Dave Ramsey. I was gonna say, like, uh listen to like Joe Rogan podcast and uh what's that other guy? Uh Tate.

SPEAKER_02 18:38

Oh.

Brandon 18:38

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Those type of guys were like, oh, you know, you shouldn't give into those. No, like this is a very thought out, and it makes I mean, to me as someone who's thinking logically, it makes sense.

Jessica 18:47

Yeah. Well, and to somebody who talks to lots of couples and has lots of couples as clients that have children or are in the process of growing their families, these are important conversations. Your income is going to be limited. What is that going to look like? What is that going to do? What does that mean for your career? I mean, hello, it's an actual conversation. And also, too. And you shouldn't be threatened by it.

Brandon 19:09

And also, too, like you say, like if she changed her mind, decides to be a stay-at-home mom for a certain period of time, talking through all that stuff and making sure that she has protections in place because once again, they aren't married.

Jessica 19:19

Well, and I love how in one one paragraph he was like, that's what I love about her, right? She's so independent and she's so career driven. But then when she shows you how independent and career driven she is and how thoughtful she is in her planning, now you're getting the ick and you're turned off. I need you to pick a lane.

Brandon 19:38

I mean, did you catch that then? No, I I 100% caught that.

Jessica 19:44

Um like I love it when I can show her off to my friends.

Brandon 19:47

Well, I almost wonder if, like, before he put it on Reddit, he talked to other people in his life and they influenced an opinion.

Jessica 19:56

Maybe. I mean, the Reddit thread was very thorough, so maybe that was the first time he was like, I need to just get this.

Brandon 20:02

I don't know, because as someone who is obviously married to an independent woman and, you know, grew up with nothing but independent women in my life. I know what comes with an independent woman, and I embrace all aspects of it. And it's not for every man, like, because some of y'all just can't handle it. And it's just that's just the reality.

Jessica 20:21

But we can be a lot.

Brandon 20:22

But you know who you're you should know who you should know what your person is, especially about to have a baby with them. So like this shouldn't have been like maybe like you might have been like, oh, like I hadn't thought about all this, but like to be shocked that it came from that person.

Jessica 20:36

Right.

Brandon 20:36

Like you've never done anything where I'm like, oh my God, like, what?

Jessica 20:40

And the times where you're like, you like look at me and you roll your eyes because you're annoyed. What's my response? You know who you married.

Brandon 20:48

Exactly.

Jessica 20:48

Like, literally, I'm like, you know who you married. This yeah.

Brandon 20:51

So it's not even a matter of shock. You can be annoyed, but not shocked.

unknown 20:54

Right.

Jessica 20:55

Yes, you can be annoyed, but don't act, don't act surprised because you know who you married.

Brandon 21:00

Yeah. I mean, like I said, at the end of the day, I think she is taking the right steps to protect what she needs to protect.

SPEAKER_02 21:06

Yeah.

Brandon 21:06

How he feels about it, they can have a conversation in regards to the feelings behind it and also maybe how they proceed forward with it. But you know what also would be you know helpful in some aspects is that you maybe get married, um, have a more deeper conversation about how you should combine certain aspects of your finances.

Jessica 21:21

Do a prenup.

Brandon 21:22

And also about that's gonna be the next one. You can do a prenup. Do a prenup. I should have said do a prenup before you get married. Yeah, do a prenup.

Jessica 21:27

Do a prenup in your marriage, your legal marriage, not spiritual marriage process.

Brandon 21:31

Because the thing is, they're doing so many things right financially. Yeah, sounds like and I would hate to see that like this is what deters it. Like this is, I mean, like I said, from her standpoint, I agree with her. I actually do. I agree with her.

Jessica 21:44

Yeah. So we would love to hear your thoughts on this. So definitely chime in, slide in our DMs, post a comment. But also, if you have done a contract like this and you got paid for having a baby. And you weren't married, but you put like a contract in place to compensate. We definitely want to hear from you.

Brandon 22:06

And also to just kind of put out there like I don't I don't poo-poo on those people who just look at marriage from a religious standpoint, where like, you know, what's mine is yours. The Bible says A, B, and C, this and this and that, whatever it may be. But that's you can have that idea.

Jessica 22:22

That's not gonna hold up in court.

Brandon 22:24

Sure is not. That's what I'm saying. Like, you can have that idea, and hopefully that's the basis of your marriage with your spouse. Why don't you also just put it on paper too? Right. To make sure that it matches that the paper matches what you what's what you're what you're reading in the Bible.

unknown 22:38

Right.

Contracts Prenups And Love Insurance

Jessica 22:38

Well, because also, you know, we did our postnup, so you can go back into the archives and and check those episodes. But we very much operate as in it's one pot. Yes, you know? But if we were to dissolve our marriage, then he has a pot and I have a pot.

Brandon 22:54

Yeah.

Jessica 22:54

So right now we're fully married.

Brandon 22:56

And we're happy with the pot that we would have.

Jessica 22:58

Because we created the rules for the pot.

Brandon 23:01

Yes.

Jessica 23:01

Or the pots, his and hers. But right now it's just one pot. So you can create the rules. Yes. Like you don't have to like struggle to be like, well, what are we gonna no? Like you can literally write your own rules. That's what that's what a prenup and a post-up are for. So we can just write your own rules.

Brandon 23:15

So the rules of it can reflect your morals and values or religious beliefs as well.

Jessica 23:20

Exactly. And it gives you that sense of peace and protection. It's giving you the protection that you're wanting that you hopefully don't need, just like any other insurance product. We called it our love insurance. But just like any other insurance product, you hope to not use your car insurance because that means you probably got in an accident or your windshield cracked or something happened.

Brandon 23:41

Yeah, because it's in my mind, like it's the same idea as like we have health insurance, but I'm not gonna be like, oh, I'm not gonna have health insurance because Jesus got me.

Jessica 23:50

Like some people walk around like that. You know, there's like if it's God's will, and I'm like, uh, okay.

Brandon 23:58

God gave you access to insurance.

Jessica 24:00

Right. I mean, you could spin it, right? You could spin it, but they would be perfect to get legally married, get the prenup, get the prenup, then get legally married, and then she could have the peace of mind and she doesn't have to show up with a 16-page binder.

Brandon 24:15

She sounds like she would love the prenup process.

Jessica 24:17

Oh, she probably they both would, honestly.

Brandon 24:19

She would love going through the process.

SPEAKER_02 24:22

Yes.

Listener Opinions And How To Reach Us

Jessica 24:22

Because, you know, I'm also thinking like, okay, they paid off their mortgage. Were they both on the mortgage? Are they both on the deed? Is there a contract in place for like a housing agreement? Like, I mean, I have questions. Yeah. I I need to find these people because I have questions. And I want to see what's in the 16-page document, and I want to see if there was a pivot table. I need to see. I need to know. Okay. Um, I just this was too juicy to not share with you guys. Please weigh in. We want to hear are you on her side? Are you on his side? Does it change because they're not legally married? Like somewhere in the middle. Give us all of your thoughts. And if you are a person that is in a partnership, not legally married, and you paid your spouse or your partner to have a child because of this kind of protection issue, we want to hear from you. And we will talk to you next week. Don't forget, Benjamin Franklin said, an investment in knowledge pays the best interest. You just got paid. Until next time.

SPEAKER_01 25:25

Sugar Daddy Podcast, yo. Learn how to make the pockets grow. Financial freedoms where we go. Smart investments, money flow.

Jessica 25:34

Thanks for listening to today's episode. We are so glad to have you as part of our Sugar Daddy community. If you learned something today, please remember to subscribe, rate, review, and share this episode with your friends, family, and extended network. Don't forget to connect with us on social media at the Sugar Daddy Podcast. You can also email us your questions you want us to answer for our Path the Sugar segments at thesugardaddypodcast at gmail.com or leave us a voicemail through our Instagram.

SPEAKER_03 26:04

Our content is intended to be used and must be used for informational purposes public. It is very important to do your own analysis before making any investment based upon your own personal circumstances. We should take independent money to advise from a likely professional and connection with or independently research and verify any information you find in our podcast and which you rely upon, whether for the purpose of making an investment decision or otherwise.